safely cocooned in her little head
At the end of the night she went to check her phone and found a text from Alex. “Safe at home now! Thanks for praying.” She had forgotten him and his family’s long drive up from bottom to top of the country–it seemed like such a short time had passed since he had texted that they were leaving. She felt a pang of guilt; he had been so far from her heart of late. Ever since the break for the holidays, everything from school had melted away into a foggy blur; she did not fight the dimming of the emotional memories of grief and loss that had been a trait of the past term, but even those whom she considered close friends had faded away, in her mind. It was as if the blizzard had not only blanketed her house and home in snow, but had shrouded her heart as well–she was safe here, away from the stresses of her life–although that would be including Alex in that category, for when not at home, he might have been most dear.
Strange how life is, she thought to herself. Safely cocooned, but also free…free to pursue other interests, maybe. She was not bound to him, especially after having gone through what they did–twice. And tonight Ben had shown up to the dinner party, unexpected by all, and she was pleased, for she had asked him. The group had trouped into her home that night and filled the living room with boisterous laughter, the kind she loved, and her cheeks were aglow and her eyes bright with the pleasure of being with people she liked and knew liked her. When her parents came home she introduced Ben casually, and they had struck up a conversation, first in English, then in the mothertongue. She knew they would like him–what’s not to like? A medical student, fluent in the language, from their own country of origin. She herself had watched Ben furtively that night, and felt as if he too were watching her. But she was in her element, and as the night grew old she grew quietly contented, feeling close to owning the world (or as much as she wanted of it) at her fingertips. The next morning her mother asked if she knew this boy well, and together they participated in stalkerish behavior to find out more about this interesting new friend. She laughed to herself. Perhaps her mother knew the need for a replacement before being able to completely get Alex out of the picture. She laughed at her encouragements to get to know this boy. She laughed at everything, but deep inside, she was troubled. It may be that he had decided not to like her, after all; maybe she laughed too often or too loudly, maybe she had been too showy with sharing her prized music with her close friends. But maybe not. Somehow, she still felt as if she had the upper hand, and she could do anything she liked.
After all, it was Christmas, and anything could happen.
