do you know

I’m getting a tanline from the ring

and the other day I noticed they put the screen back in that window I used to sit in when I talked to you on the phone.

I don’t sit there anymore.

eyes were not made to cry forever

[from 5.30.08]

It’s the dark nights of solitude that I struggle the most. Tonight it swallows me in its engulfing magnitude. …

Eyes were not made to cry forever. It sounds hopeful, like there will be an end, but in reality it’s just a painful scathing irony that no, you can’t live in despair all the time, and life comes to kick you in the ass and tell you to get a move-on.

…I don’t know if this means I should give up
altogether.
because I don’t know if I can.

You’re the smell of the toast you made in the morning
You’re the page in my book I keep to myself
You’re the unwelcome sound when I turn my door key
You’re the scar that I have from the time that I fell
I can’t describe the faces
I can’t recall the names
But you remain

I keep you in the creases
I hide you the folds
Protect you from the sunlight
Shield you from the cold
Everybody said they were glad to see you go
And no one ever has to know.

You’re the part of the moon that fades into blackness
Even though we know it’s really still there
You’re the song that I sing, I don’t need to practice
You’re the green shirt that I keep thought its too small to wear
I can’t describe the faces
I can’t recall the names
But you remain.

I keep you in the creases
I hide you in the folds
Protect you from the sunlight
Shield you from the cold
Everybody said they were glad to see you go
And no one ever has to know
No one ever has to know

The things that I refuse to see
And all the nights I still can’t sleep
I curl up between the sheets
Creases where you used to be.

In the Creases||Alex Wong

funks

…are funny things, I suppose. I don’t know what you have gone through, but I get the euphemism from you. (I get a lot of things from you.)

They hurt.

A full moon two nights ago…a foxfight on my lawn…
Do you know that I still wear that funny ring you asked about?
I don’t really change them anymore.
The hawks still fly around me, but never close enough…
and the cardinals, too, but their message is never real enough.

Every time I see train tracks I wonder if they will lead to you.

I thought I was getting better. Really I did. But I suppose the river, the drive past the road to your house…and you taking down all your songs made it come back, when I was least ready for it. I know you never liked it when I was unhappy. And I have tried to be happy. But there are so many things that I feel like I have lost in this life, that I don’t know how to regain…I don’t know how to live. And you aren’t here to teach me.

I am sorry. Sorry for all the pain. I feel like it is my fault, like none of this should have ever happened. …and for that I want to die.

But I want you to know that no one–no one–has reached me like you have.

and he said…

(from…that day)

So…I felt pain today.
A very real, aching, wrenching kind of pain.
And I know what it means to cry for the hurts of others…
And now…now that it’s faded, I don’t really know why I cried.
But you were there.
And you understand.
And you held me and let me cry.
And that meant a lot to me.

…….So they say that love makes the colors of the world come alive. It’s like the light that comes on and makes them exist. It’s like going to Colorado and seeing a blue sky for the first time.
Colorado…

…But I know what it’s like to love.
and I know what it’s like to be selfish.
And I have been selfish.
And I wish I couldn’t hurt you
I wish I would be the only one to bear the pain
and I wish you could understand the way I feel
even if I don’t.

but somehow….
I have a feeling you would.

Today I am unhappy

They say you only fall in love once. I don’t believe it is true, for I have fallen in love multiple times…with people. places, things…but I believe it is true you only give your heart away once. And I have given it.

The lady at the table next to me talking to her daughter and daughter’s bf reminds me of his mom. It makes me wistful, hear kind dignified, interested face as she listens to them tell some amusing story.

But then, everything reminds me of him. Even the ery thoughts I think and how I think them remind me of him. It makes me wonder how welded together we have been. I wonder if he goes through the same thing. I wonder if I am as much a part of him as he is me. If he feels like I do that inseide there is nothing without him, and I am just walking around like an empty shell.

“Distracted by the sounds of everyone and everything I see…I search through every face, without a single trace of the person, the person that I need…”
All the little child-people walk by with their precious hollister and A&F bags, little people with nothing to speak of, nothing better to do than go to the mall and mill about, getting caught up in the sights and sounds and clamor of the other child-people. But….but I am missing something.

If he were to be a spy, it would be well for him to not have an internet presence. It would be well for him to know my every move, my whereabouts (that which I quite readily disclose…almost) …and yet for me to not know his. WHat can I do, though? What can I do when I only want to know where he is, what he is doing, and what he is thinking? And yet there is no word….what pain.

I walked across an empty land,
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand.
I felt the earth beneath my feet,
Sat by the river and it made me complete.
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I’m getting old and I need something to rely on.
So tell me when you’re gonna let me in,
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.

I came across a fallen tree,
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I’ve been dreaming of?

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I’m getting old and I need something to rely on.
So tell me when you’re gonna let me in,
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.
SO if you have a minute why don’t we go,
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything.
So why don’t we go, somewhere only we know,
Somewhere only we know.

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I’m getting old and I need something to rely on.
So, tell me when you gonna let me in,
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.
SO if you have a minute why don’t we go,
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything.
So why don’t we go, somewhere only we know.

-”Somewhere only we know,” Keane